Dear Relatives,

I know this Christmas letter is a bit late but we had Uncle Fred's trial going on then and were quite busy. As you all know, Uncle Fred was caught putting the torch to Sheriff Johnson's house. We can only be thankful that the sheriff was out of town on business at the time. I know a lot of you remember that they had to page him at the No Tell Motel South Side to tell him his house was on fire, but there never has been any proof he was doing anything but questioning that young lady in the see-through nightgown for 5 hrs. Some suspects are hard to crack.

Anyway, Uncle Fred has maintained his innocence in the whole matter and demanded a DNA test. It came back today and the results were Uncle Fred 100%. Now, if we add this to the fact they had a security camera that showed Uncle Fred throwing the gas on the sheriff’s front porch and then lighting a match and finishing it off by doing a soft shoe as the flames grew, things don’t look too bright. The only thing the sheriff had ever done to poor Uncle Fred was to arrest him for walking down Main street nude, carrying a loud bell - which he rang on occasion - and yelling, "Hear Ye, Hear Ye" into a megaphone. Uncle Fred contends the sheriff interfered with his right to free speech at 2:00 AM.

I am sad to report we lost Uncle John this year. Aunt Ethel is beside herself with worry. Never has Uncle John been gone this long, maybe a week to go get a pack of smokes but never for 6 months at a time. If any of you happen to see him driving down the street in the brand new Caddy he bought just before we lost him, Aunt Ethel would like to know. She really does not want to take this to America’s Not So Wanted and stain the family name.

Jr. finally finished High school this year. We had a graduation ceremony for him and everyone told him how proud they were of him for only taking 34 years to finish high school. As you will recall, Cousin Winford still holds the record at 50 years, but with Jr.'s record, we are sure he'll be encouraged to finish soon.

Cousin Carl got a new fishing boat and hooked it on to his RV last summer then started off on his family vacation to Winnemucca Falls for a little RV-ing and fishing. They had just gotten to the edge of town when little Carl decided he should have done something before they left the house that he hadn't, so Uncle Carl pulled into the McDonalds on RT 4. The last thing Mrs. Carl remembers Carl saying before the explosion was, ”Don’t tell me how to drive this damn thing. I am a long way from that steel post.”

They should be getting out of the hospital sometime next month and the scars should be pretty well healed in time for our annual Christmas get-together.

Speaking of which, we are hoping for a better turnout this year. Last year, the only ones there were Uncle Brian and his family. They brought that cute Suzy Lou with them but the boys didn't spend a lot of time socializing; most of their time was spent in a rocking contest in the family station wagon. Uncle Brian and his present girl friend had the usual burping contest while eating dinner.

Can't someone else PLEASE show up this year? I don't think I can take it again.

Well, that is about all for now. If anyone has any news they want included in the next family newsletter, just send it to Joe C/O the Piscatt County Jail. He will be there on and off for the next 6 month, as he always is.

With Love,

Herman and family

© Tina Rice 4/17/2004