CONSTANT REPLAY

Naked in spirit, Defenseless as a child, Back then Sorrow exploded gradually, Heart pouring out the molten pain, into each little cell. When will the movie stop? Can't shut it off, replaying all the scenes - As if I needed to remember. Knowing at last, What bottle after bottle will do for those I look away from In the street. Sleep barely possible, stiff paralyzed, The waves abrade what isn't anchored in despair. Fearing the emptiness the most, A hollow voice, persistent in its hopeless call Recovery impossible, each minute now the enemy. The terror lies in living life - leave me alone In silence and in darkness, a puppet bleeding tears. The days and months drain what you have, She looks at me sometimes - failing her bitterly In gentle tenderness, with nothing left to give. Shutting it off has long ago Become the first and only need. The one who knew, so very smart, She saw it right away - my words don't touch you anywhere, No, nothing has For quite some time. Not fooled by empathetic words, phrases that seldom match The simple cold analysis. Don't leave the mind unguarded, for memory connects, Needing the challenge to forget, absorbed throughout the day, I crave night's isolation. As usual now, the mask smiles brilliantly, believing that No one can look within. Where are you now, God, is it true? They say that You exist? Where were you then, when I reached out, touching the chilling walls? Trying once more, I ask you now, What have YOU EVER Done for me? Where is the good? Just look around - does not The history speak for itself? Or do you need more evil? Keep all the phonies from my door. Donations for your love? No thank you, Pal; it's just another word soliciting the funds. Unspoken and unlived, in this (let's say) forgotten h***, Prayer a sickness of the mind, Psychosis in belief The drugs in everyone. Locked in, Smooth darkness whispers peace, drown in its soft warm waters All reason called out for the same. What are you now, pretending - they judge you quick. Failure and brokenness, reserved for modern lepers, Stigma enveloping. Why not get over this right now; you will feel better trying. Already have, for you at least. Don't cross my way again. Singular moment, Clear as the morning light, In dreams all too deceptive. Desert embracing one last smile, Another voice is calling. Not wanting it, too late for stupid words, Maintaining distance, pushing hard, distrusting everything, The god of science, Supremely satisfied. Stubborn is nothing when compared To my own bitterness. Someone, back then, had patience Anyway. Allowing me to temporarily, Hand over all control, So that, covered in rags, I finally permitted Mending of tears and rips and holes, The angry years had caused. Replacing patches with brand-new, I felt the Hands at work. Weaving renewal Into the patterns of my name, Creating fabric out of love, Spirit accepting gratefully Someone was clothing me.©Doris R. Vega (7/2003)