John met her in what would turn out to be his last year in Calhoun County High School. Her name was Cris and she was the daughter of his history teacher. He fell in love with her.

Every afternoon he would walk her home from school. John didn’t know at the time but it was a little over a mile from Calhoun County High School to her house. It was nice to be young and in love.

Then came the day John joined the service and went away to basic. Every day he would write Cris and tell her of his day and how things were going and every now and then he would get a letter from her telling him what was going on back home.

John finished Basic and was sent to Tech School to learn how to repair jet engines and every day he would write Cris and tell her how his day went and what he was learning. The letters he wrote were long, her replies were short. His letters ended with Love hers ended with just her name.

John finished learning how to repair jet engines and went home on leave for the first time. Cris was in her last year of high school and John showed up one day in his uniform as school got out for the day and walked Cris home from school.

They talked about what had happened while he was gone and how things were going with her classes and about her mother but they never spoke of love.

Cris knew how John felt about her but never once did she say she loved him in return even though she always let him walk her home from school.

When John’s leave was over with he went to his duty station and every day he would write Cris and tell her of his day and close the letter with Love. Cris would write him every now and then and closed her letters with just her name.

John was sent to fight in Vietnam and every day he would write Cris and tell her of his day. He left out the parts where he could have told her how afraid he was at times and how scared he was that he would not come home again.

He left out the parts about being shot at and having to shoot back, the parts about the base he was at being attacked and him sitting in fear that he would be shot or killed. John managed to keep the letters cheerful and light. John was afraid that if he told her of his fears she would worry about him and perhaps think he was less of a man so he hid the bad parts of war from her and just told her about the general things that went on. He always signed his letters Love and she signed her letters with her name.

When things were the darkest he would think of her and how he would ask her to marry him when and if he returned home. Her memory would keep him going when he was scared.  He remained loyal to her and knew she was loyal to him even though she never told him so.

Christmas was coming and John received a box of things from his sister and parents and watched the mail for something from Cris.

Christmas Eve John returned from a mission and found a letter from Cris waiting for him.

He sat down and tore open the letter:

Dear John, it began, I know that you love me and have always loved me but I am not ready for the kind of love and attention you have given me. I have never doubted your love but it is too much for me to bear so I have to let you know that I don’t love you now and never have loved you.

John sat down and wrote Cris: Dear Cris, it began, I have loved you from the first time I met you. Your memory has kept me going when things were at their worst. I understand that you don’t love me and hope you will find someone in your life that you can love.

He signed the letter with his name and mailed it.

Even though he was a long way from home on Christmas Eve John knew that if you loved someone and they did not love you back it was better to let them go and find their happiness then to try and hold on.

In his bunk that night John stared at the wall and cried.

© Tina Rice

12 May 2007