I LIED

A while back I wrote that I world not cry anymore over any of the things that have happened in my past. It turns out I lied.

The last few days I have found tears coming unbidden to my eyes. I do not know if it is the passing of my father, who was not much of a father to begin with, or old memories coming back to haunt me - whatever the reason, they have returned

This afternoon we had, as we usually do, coffee with a TS friend of ours and she brought a friend she had met. Normally this would have just been afternoon coffee with our friend, but somehow it turned into a fearful occasion for me. I don’t have many friends and cherish the ones I do have and I was afraid of losing one of the few friends I do have.

My friend reassured me that she was not about to end our friendship and everything was all right.

I have been thinking about this all evening and have sort of come to a conclusion of sorts.

It has to do with Vietnam and the few friends I did make when I was there. I cannot tell you their names but I can tell you that they all came home in caskets.  After about six months in Vietnam I would not allow myself to become close to anyone. If you became close to someone and they were injured or died, they were gone for good. 

I think a lot of that came back and that is why I could not trust anyone to love me or allow myself to really love anyone, except for two women and one of them I could not be faithful to for the life of me.

I know now I was in a flashback of sorts. I have lost more ex-wives to death than most men have married to begin with. Except for Karen (and a lot of the time even her) I am afraid of losing those I love and if I find myself getting close to someone I have a tendency to become fearful of their lives.

Stupid I know. I keep being told if it is your time it is your time to go and I live in fear of that moment for my friends and those I love.

The memories will continue to come unbidden and at times the tears will come also.

So I am sorry. I Lied.

Tina Rice © 2007

See the by Faye Sizemore