News Alert

It was just reported to the Calhoun County Times Record that Mr. Fred Wilson has been kidnapped by aliens from outer space.

Mrs. Alma Wilson ran into the Calhoun County and reported that her and her husband were on their way home from their anniversary dinner at the Bank (Fine Dining at it's Best) when they were being tracked by a bright light from the sky. Mrs. Wilson further reports that they had pulled into the Bush Run Rest Area and gotten out of the car and were bathed in a strong light that partially paralyzed them. When the light had disappeared so had Mr. Wilson, Mrs. Wilson reports.

The sheriff tells the Calhoun County Times record and investigation is under way.

Further details as they become available.

We will now return you to your normal programming.

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News Alert

The quiet town of Underhill was shaken to it's core last night when sheriffs deputies swept down on it and began knocking on doors in the disappearance of Fred Wilson who was allegedly abducted by a UFO on Monday.

It turns out it was not all "sugar and spice" with Fred and Alma Wilson.

Neighbors had little good to say about Mr. Wilson and less good to say about Mrs. Wilson.

A neighbor that refused to be identified said that several times over the past few weeks he had heard the Wilsons arguing when he came out to walk his cat at 3AM. The neighbor led this reporter to his back porch, which is about 400 yards from the Wilson’s, and then to his hedge which is another 400 yards from the Wilson’s house. He showed us where he had been standing when he heard the Wilsons yelling . Other neighbors report the troubles between the Wilsons went back many years.

Joan Creature reported that the problems had started when Fred bought a new Ford in 65 and brought it home. Mrs. Wilson was not happy about it, Ms. Creature reported. The fight had been resolved one night when Fred had been driving the Ford home from a lodge meeting and wrapped it around the statue of Hiram Jones in the town square.

They said it was brake failure but we al know that Mrs. Wilson tampered with the brakes. Why she never came up to see poor Fred when he was in the hospital and after he came home and could not do for himself I had to go over there and do for him.

She treated him like he was dirt under her feet. Ms. Creature finished then broke down in tears and rushed back into her house.

Mr. Fellows, who lives on the north side of the Wilson's reported that Mr. Wilson was always mistreating poor Alma and further went on to state that he was positive that Mr. Wilson had tampered with the brakes on the Ford in order to get rid of poor Alma. Mr. Fellows went on to say he was sorry that he could not hold and comfort poor Alma during this crisis as he had when Mr. Wilson had been in the hospital for six weeks.

Sheriff Joe Morgan tells the Calhoun County Times Record that an accident report from the accident scene in which Mr. Wilson was injured and the Ford in question showed that the brakes had failed because the person at the dealership had forgot to close the brake line after he had drained the air out of it.

In Other news Mrs. Pinkstaff, 85, was arrested at the handy Mart for assault.

It seems once again the clerk at the Handy Mart had asked Mrs. Pinkstaff if she wanted the Senior discount and Mrs. Pinkstaff had proceed to beat him with her cane while yelling, "I'll tell you young whippersnappers when I am old enough for a senior discount until then mind your own dang business" It took the efforts of Sheriff Morgan and two of his deputies to pull Mrs. Pinkstaff off of the clerk.

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News Alert

The Calhoun County Times Record has just learned that Calhoun County Sheriff, Joe Morgan has gotten to gather a search team to look for Fred Wilson. The question was asked of the sheriff as to why he needed a search party to search maybe, if one was generous, 500 yards of bushes. The sheriff replied, "This is the Bush Run Rest area and there is no telling what might surface during the search as my men will have to get 'down and dirty'.

Further updates as they become available

We now return you to your regularly scheduled programs

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~Note~
The Bush Run Rest Area is so named because there was not enough money left in the contract with JP Pettibone's nephew to build an proper rest are so what he did was carve a section of the land out at the side of the road paved part of it and put bushes that grew rather high in the rest of it. For this he billed Calhoun County and the state, after all this was in memory of his uncle, the modest sum of 3 million in over runs of the road building project. Thus you now have the Bush Run Rest Area.

I hope this clears the matter up for you.
GB
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