Before now, I have not told you about the Calhoun County welcome wagon. Elma Bradshaw, who takes her job very seriously, runs it. When a new person moves to Calhoun County Elma always makes sure that her welcome wagon is there to greet them.

Elma takes her job so seriously in that she's been known to set on a porch for days at a time waiting for the new owner to poke their head out or otherwise make an appearance so she can present them with a welcome basket.

In the welcome basket is a certificate for a free mail from the Bank, a 26 inch ruler, (it used to be a yardstick, but Elma's trunk is only 26 inches long and when she slammed the lid of her trunk, she shortened the yardsticks to 26 inches), and a bottle of aspirin from the Calhoun County pharmacy, which is needed after Elma comes to visit. 

Most people would think this was nothing really to be proud about.  But Elma  thinks that they are the greatest gifts in the world and treats them as such.

There is no one that moves in to Calhoun County that does not get a welcome basket, no matter how long it takes.  Elma out waited Joe Briscoe, who managed to avoid her for a good six weeks.  Had he not of made a big mistake and tried to sneak out of his house at five in the morning, he would not of been caught with a running tackle by Elma. 

No one was there to see it, but Joe said Elma caught him by tackling him when he had a 50-yard head start.  Then she sat on him and gave him her whole spiel.  By the time she was done an hour later, Joe was more than happy to try and tear into the bottle of aspirin. 

Unfortunately, the aspirin is a type that comes with a childproof lid.  I don't know about you, but when I have a splitting headache and I try to open a bottle of aspirin with a childproof lid for the first time, it’s usually hard to do.  Joe's luck was not much better; by the time he managed to get the bottle of aspirin open he had slammed it against the bathroom sink several times, breaking the bottle. 

 Unfortunately, the Calhoun County pharmacy uses nothing but glass bottles to hold its aspirin thus when Joe broke the bottle he did manage to get some aspirin out but he also managed to cut his feet up and swear, because nowhere in the welcome wagon gift basket was there a single Band-Aid, and he just used the last Band-Aid in the house on his knee, where it was skinned by Elma tackling him.

So if you move to Calhoun County, be on the lookout for Elma and know that you're going to get the welcome wagon gift basket. One way or another.